Alien Goes to the Symphony

She did not want my “big high five.”

This planet is far more interesting than originally scoped. After spending the first 7 Solar Cycles consuming the native content delivery system called “TV”, I have determined that the primary means of human social engagement is Synthetic Battle.

Most Synthetic Battles include the word “ball” which means “weapon”.

On Solar Cycle 8 my local planet disguise was completed and I have been able to leave the pod. Given the pervasive human interest in Synthetic Battles, I located a Synthetic Battlefield to observe it first hand.

I have now attended two Synthetic Weaponball Battles. One for the Foot and one for the Basket. Each was instructive.

Before completing my research, I intend to witness one final Synthetic Weaponball Battle. I am standing outside what I believe to be an Enclosed Synthetic Battlefield. I will now enter the battlefield and provide updates. Stand by.

Update: I am in the Enclosed Synthetic Battlefield. The Foot battle was held on a “Field” and the Basket battle on a “Court”. According to the elderly human sitting next to me, this is called the Symphony Battle and will be held on a “Stage”. We are sitting in the “Audience”.

Update: Some of the warriors have arrived on the stage for battle. Unlike the Foot and Basket battles, in the Symphony battle every warrior has their own Weaponball! Most are made of wood and are of various sizes. I am unclear on how they will throw them as they don’t look aerodynamic. Now the warriors are sharpening their wooden weaponballs. It makes a very unpleasant noise.

Update: I have spotted more warriors, this time with Weaponballs made of metal. From their shape it is clear that they will be used to launch projectiles. These warriors are clearing their projectile launchers by blowing significant amounts of air through them. It hurts my ears. There are also a gang of standing warriors pounding on their weaponballs. This is very different from Foot Battles.

URGENT UPDATE: I have been trying to determine who the two competing armies are on the stage. In both the Foot and Basket battles, their clothing clearly demarcated the opposing armies. Now that the stage is filled with warriors, I have realized that they are all wearing identical black attire. I have also noted that rather than facing one another, they are all facing the audience. From this I have deduced that the audience is the opposing army and we are moments away from being attacked by the warriors. I have no weaponball. Please lock onto my location, I will need an emergency transvaporate shortly.

Update: Hang on: I am curious that none of the humans in the audience seem concerned about this attack. In fact they seem entirely unfazed. I just asked the elderly human next to me if she is worried about the Projectile Launchers and Sharpened Weaponballs. She looked at me for a long time. For a very long time. Then she said “No”. To thank her, I tried to give her the “Big High Five” that I learned at the Foot battle. She did not want my “Big High Five.”

Update: The warriors have been sharpening and clearing projectiles and banging for some time, but now they have all suddenly gone quiet. Too quiet. Stand by for transvaporate!

Update: Hold on Transvaporate. Now a single warrior is clearing her weaponball and it is making sort of a long beep noise. Like “beeeeeeeeeeeeeep.”

Update: Stand by for transvaporate! All the other warriors are matching the beep noise, clearly this is a battle cry. Still the audience is unconcerned! Why??

Update: Now I understand why the audience is unconcerned. We outnumber the army, probably ten to one. Even though we don’t have weaponballs, we have sheer numbers on our side! And now the audience is showing their strength. All the humans in the audience are mashing their upper flippers together — it is VERY LOUD! We must be terrifying the army! Even the elderly human next to me is mashing her flippers! Your Projectile Launchers are no match for our Mashing Flippers, stage army!

Update: No, I take it all back, the attack is nigh. Spool up the transvaporator and lock on. The General has arrived. The General snuck in from the back and then thrust his head at the audience and then the audience went silent. They must all be so afraid of him: all he had to do was turn around and he stopped all that flipper mashing!

(Now here is something curious. In most parts of the universe, the leader of the army would have the biggest weapon. But this general has a very tiny little weaponball. The smallest of all! Just a little twig. I can’t imagine it hurting anyone when he throws it at them. Clearly weaponball size is not a requirement for being a General on this planet.)

Update: The silence is killing me. He is holding up his flippers. The attack is about to come. Go with Transvaporate in 3, 2 — WAIT!

Update: His flipper waving is making them all sharpen and blow and pound, but it is now a beautiful sound! How do they do that with their weaponballs? It is filling every corner of the Enclosed Synthetic Battlefield. It sounds like the sky and the moons and the stars. It sounds like supernovas and asteroid belts and cosmic wind. It makes me so happy! So happy!

And lucky for me, when I observed the Foot battle and Basket battle I learned what you are supposed to do on this planet when you are happy. You yell out: “WE’RE NUMBER ONE! WE’RE NUMBER ONE! WE’RE NUMBER ONE! WE’RE NUMB-“

URGENT UPDATE: GO WITH TRANSVAPORATE, GO WITH TRANSV-